Massage or not November 4, 2009

I was having a bit of back pain so I decided to go get a massage at the very classy “Beauty with Spa.” I walk in and sit down, feeling a little uncomfortable, I pick up a magazine and start flipping through it absentmindidly. I’m almost half way through the magazine when I realize just about every girl in the magazine is naked so I look at the cover and I feel a little embarrassed, I look around and see a guy watching me in the mirror, while he’s getting his hair cut, and laughing at me. He tells me that it is his magazine and  so I smile and set the magazine aside. Now I’m feeling very uncomfortable.

The lady at the counter calls my name and I follow a small asain lady down a hall (this kind of reminded me of the scene off of Taken when the guy goes to the construction sight) anyways I follow her nevertheless. She takes me in this very small room and tells me to take off all of my clothes and I’m like all of them geez lady can I at least have your name can we talk first or something, she leaves and I’m alone. I take off most of my clothes and lay down on the wierd little table thing. She comes in and starts talking in not english so I ignore her and then I relize she was talking english she just had a thick accent so I answer her and then she begins, this is where the fun begins. She rubs this oil on me and doesn’t really massage more like vigorusly try to force her way into my back while proping herself up on my butt, it kind of hurt I’m pretty sure I have bruises. About half way through my massage I hear a guy in the room next to me, obviously his woman knows what she’s doing. He’s making all these weird noises and moaning and I’m like WTF what kind of massage is he getting? After the massage was over he tells the lady that she has a very sensual way of massaging  and he was very attracted to her. Anyways back to me, so this crazy lady is acting like a chihuahua she’s so small but very strong this was no massage it was more like her trying to kill me. She started massaging my legs and when she got to the back of my knees I almost kicked her in the face, that is the only place I’m ticklish, so she gives up and rubs the oil off my legs. Then she lifted up the sheet that was covering me and said flip over so I do and I flash everyone and their mother. She starts rubbing oil on my stomach and I tell her that I have no muscles there so there’s no need to massage it, so she rubs the oil off. Then for some reason she rubs oil in my hair, I dont know why, and starts rubbing in between my boobs and I’m like if this lady is trying to get to second base it aint happening. Needless to say I have never had a massage and I didn’t enjoy that one at all. After this was all said and done I go on a whole new adventure I decide to get my earbrows waxed.

 

New lady and she is I’m assuming one of my fellow country men (German). so I lay down on the table and she begins. The wax is waaayyyy to hot but kind of soothing in a way, well except for the fact she is going to rip it vigorously from my skin. so she does what needs to be done and then starts pluking. This lovely lady decides her boobs are too heavy so decides to rest them on my face. So now I’m sitting here motorboating some German lady and trying not to cry because she keep stabbing and penching me with the tweezers. Finally it’s over and I can’t say that I regret it I mean if you think about it I got molested for free, I got a crappy massage for $20, I got to listen to some guy assumingly showing his Oh Face and I got to motorboat some lady. All in all it was a good day. NEVER AGAIN WILL I GET A MASSAGE HERE EVER. but I kind of have to get my brows done or they will look bush league.

OMG moment November 1, 2009

We just back from lunch and my Captain decided we was going to Change the light bulb… now Capt. is kinda like a spider monkey he’s always climbing on shit and taking us on little adventures to see a catapolt on top of a building or to see if the sign that says “caution live bees” is true, it was… so he decides to climb on top of my studio, using all the proper safety percautions, he even had his weapon… so he’s usually pretty good about climbing up there and getting down all by himself, he’s growing up so fast, this time it was different… he got on top of the studio changed one light and then tried to get down… he got both feet on the wobbly half wall that separtes his desk from the walk way… then he decided he was a balarena and started balancing on it, now’s where it gets funny… he stepped down onto the corner of his desk and then step on what he thought was the chair… not so much a computer tower was right beside the chair and he accidentally stepped on it instead… the tower fell over and Capt. followed right onto his side (the right side not the left) I think he landed on his weapon… it was hillarious but I made sure he was ok before I laughed at him… and now he’s sitting at his desk crying(pretending to be working) I can see the tears from here…

Kiwis (not the fruit kind, well maybe not) October 29, 2009

So when I arrived to my deployed location some people might say that I was a very “sheltered” person. I didn’t know a lot of things including that Kiwis aren’t just fruit they are another name for New Zealand fellas… Honestly how many people know that??? (rhetorical question Bryce)

 

So an NZ Army guy comes to visit our PA shop and so I get to escort him around and that’s when it started, i spent all day with this Sgt listening to his accent and taking pictures. This guy also explained to me why New Zealanders were called Kiwis, something to do with a cute little bird, I think we should call them cuties… Later that night we meet a group of Kiwis looking sexy as hell, I don’t know why most American guys are so… ummm… well not up to par with the other country’s sexy appeal… so my friend Tracy and I are looking at these sexy ass mo fo’s and we decide to teach them how to dance, because well the least I can say is they needed help… so we are teaching them to dance and I grab a guy and his name is Cunny and Trace grabs a guy named Troy so we are dancing the night away and there were a few others one guy had hair like Goku off of Dragon Ball Z, another guy was really shy and wouldn’t talk to anyone so we chose the two fun guys… Cunny and I exchanged numbers and texted each other for about a week then he left (without even telling me I might add) which is a real dick move… I got over it though…

 

The next Country music night we went to the Kiwis were there again and so I grabbed Troy and began dancing, he’s a pretty quick learner… so he and I hung out a little bit and we kept in touch, before he left we went to tea and he brought his friend Bryce…

 

So now the party begins… Bryce and I have been hanging out and he’s a funny person… except I’m pretty sure he’s drunk 24/7 he uses the craziest words one time he texted me, and I quote “I Just got off of work and I’m nakerd.” what in the heck does nackerd mean??? I was like wait a minute is he like telling me that he’s naked, no we aren’t on that level… I was lost and so I asked him, supossedly it means tired… honestly Bryce you couldn’t have just said you were tired or do you enjoy making me feel like a cotton headed ninny muggins??? (another rhetorical question lol) So I went about my day and we hung out a few more times… He was playing poker one night and usually he’s out by like the first or second hand… he doesn’t know how to count cards like me so he couldn’t hang out with me and so he sent yet another crazy text… he said something about sorry if that fucks you round… I didn’t even ask because I’m sure it’s something simple, but I’ve yet to figure out what this meant… needless to say I’m pretty sure I was born in the wrong country, everyone from every other country is so chill and awesome and most Americans are stuck up with a few exceptions, but still… anyways I have to go take pics which is ssoooooo much better then (I don’t know) stacking ammo lol… oh yeah I forgot to say Kiwis are so cool…

My thoughts exactly October 26, 2009

So most everybody who knows me knows a few things  about me 1. I’m very sarcastic/ cynical 2. I have no filter I say whatever pops into my head 3. I love to make people feel uncomfortable whenever I get the chance… now that being said most people don’t know anything about me… like that I’m constantly thinking about how my life will turn out… with my background there is no reason I should be the way I am, I should have a lot of problems… I’m non-stop just thinking about everything…

 

so I’ve been thinking lately how do I stop being sarcastic and yet still be a fun person. I dont want to change myself I just want to be mature I guess… the other day I had tea with a friend and he was asking me questions that I couldn’t bring myself to answer, which made me think, why cant I answer them… why can’t I just stop joking for 2 seconds and have an adult conversation with him I mean I want to I just dont know how I guess… so I use sarcasm as a comfortability blanket… I’ve gone so long not letting any one in that I still find myself answering their questions with sarcasm… which is why I’m sarcastic 24/7. 

 

Now I am known to hit on random people or just say very outrageous things… I’m sure some of the people know that I am kidding, but some don’t… only a few people know this about me because I’m so out there, but when I really like someone I dont hardly talk I will tell them hi but that’s about it… I have a fear of rejection, but it’s not just that, it’s all I know is sarcasm and when I’m around that person I just cant think of anything so I feel like an idiot and I chose not to talk… I also try not to get to involved with anyone because I usually end up getting hurt… so that brings me back to my main point I use my sarcasm for the serious moments so I dont have to deal with them… it’s just easier for me to not expect anything from anyone therefore it’s less chance I will get hurt… which is why I have no problem just walking up to a random person and hitting on them, I dont care if they like me I’m just doing it because it’s the funny thing to do…

 

I honestly wish there was a book that could tell me how my life will turn out, but with my luck of course there is no such thing… sorry I’m just sharing a little bit so people know more about me I guess…

A Nighttime Creeper September 6, 2009

So there’s this creeper female that lives on our floor, she lurks around in the still of the night. Breathing heavily and tripping over things, she doesn’t exactly know where she lives either. Or maybe she’s just looking for someone to cuddle with, either way I don’t appreciate it… I have been here for 2 months and I have never forgotten where I lived, gone into the wrong room or went near the wrong room…

This bitch, I don’t even know who she is, but she always always always comes into our room at night… and it’s always late in the night like maybe she’s sleep walking, but you can tell by her face that she’s not…So my PIC Sashley and I are like WTF why is this girl always walking in our room and saying ” Oh this isn’t my room.” Or else she gives us this look like “WTF are you guys doing in my room,” bitch is crazy…

This one night I lay there asleep in my bed and she walked in. At the same exact minute I wake up, so I get that creeper feeling like is this female coming to watch me sleep??? Is this the new fad you just walk into random peoples rooms, hoping they are asleep, and watch them sleep and drool all over??? Please let me know if it is because I’m following that female home next time and I’m gonna knock her ass out and watch her sleep lol jk…

Anyways so I told Sashley that we were going to start locking our door and not let her in anymore… Then I remembered that when I first arrived at this beautiful place we used to lock our door and I almost peed on myself… It was late in the night and I had the urgent feeling that i needed to pee so I went to the door and it was locked… First of all who on earth makes a door that locks both inside and outside WTF are you thinking door lock maker man… So I’m thinking “this is the worst.” So now I’m feeling like this is a debate, either creeper bitch gets to continue to interrupt my restless sleep or we risk pissing ourselves in the middle of the night…

THE PEOPLE’S CHAMP August 27, 2009

So Paul Wall came to visit us and I really wanted to meet him… I went in the reserved room in the chow hall to see if maybe I could find him and all I found was an old man… I asked the old man I said ” hey old guy is the people’s champ here?” he said what??? I don’t think he knows who Paul Wall is he was like a hundred, I mean this guy was old as dirt I’m pretty sure he fought in like Civil War… nough said, oh and I got to see Paul Wall, he looks like a Pit bull…

These freaking guys!!!

BACKGROUND INFO ON ME: I love Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana, whatever laugh at me if you want, but in a few years holla at me Miley Cyrus lol… anyways I have Hannah Montana Sheets in my awesome dorm here at my deployed location… That being said I didn’t know of anyone else who likes Miley Cyrus until the most amazing day happened…

 

So my day started off like any other… boring as hell… I came in to work after waking up hella early because we have the…pleasure of participating in a wing run every morning at 0600…

 

I log onto my computer, check my email and then my Captain comes in and says “let’s go to the C-130 guys so you know where to go to take your photos.” so me being the stellar Airman I am comply with this request, I exit out of my bubbles game and log off my computer and walk with him to this building…

 

We arrive and Captain starts giving his little tour of the building… now this is an ok looking building  compared to the P.O.S. tents most people have the luxury of working in…

 

We walk around for about 10 minutes before we get to an office with a poster of Miley Cyrus on the door… taken aback I pull a double take like “Hey girl what’s up, you wanna go on a date?” I confirm that it in fact is Hannah in the picture… so I’m like that little kid on Christmas that got the Red Rider BB gun (except I didn’t shoot my eye out)… Me being the amazing photographer I am I take a picture of this awesomeness…

 

We continue our tour of the building, when three lovely gentlemen walk in the door… One of which was an acquaintance, we usually say hi when we pass each other and the other two I have no idea where they came from, but I’m pretty sure they were just as God sent as the Miley Cyrus pic…

 

I was throwing game at them and sweet talking them, not trying to bust a mack, because I think all of them were married, so if wifeys are reading this calm the fuck down… now I asked hey do you guys want to take a picture for me… I made them stand next to the Miley Cyrus picture and we did a small photo shoot… and well you know the rest of the story, you can see the photos…

 

These guys

Embarrassing anyone? August 20, 2009

          I’m sitting at my desk minding my own business, writing my captions for the photos I had just taken. My office is right down the hall from JA, which for you non-military folks they are our judges and shit. Their office consists of a Major (he’s a rascal), a Captain (I think he hates me), and two Staff Sergeants (both pretty cool kids).

          All of the sudden I hear a very scary/ annoying noise (the fire alarm), I kinda wanted to punch a baby zebra in the face.

          Anyways hearing this noise I think to myself “self we should evacuate the office/tent and everyone in it” so i take off running down the hall. Now this hall is short so I didn’t have to run far, don’t worry I didn’t get winded.

           Ok so I’m frolicking down the hall and I scream at the top of my lungs “hurry save the Major.” I run into his office and get on my hands and knees and start crawling, which is what you are taught to do in a fire. Everyone in the office looks pissed and they are not following my lead by crawling. It’s pretty obvious they all knew there was no fire, I on the other hand love playing the oblivious card. The fire alarm has now been stopped by one of the fearless Staff Sergeants.

            The Captain, you know the one that hates me, tells me that the Major is in the middle of a very important phone call. Well now I just feel like an idiot because I was yelling really loud, like if there was a way to discribe how loud it was I was yelling over the fire alarm, and those mother fuckers are loud.

             Later, after his phone call, the Major comes into my office and asks me what happened and said he hadn’t heard a thing, so I feel a little better knowing this. He’s a pretty cool cat that Major is.

Stanger Danger August 19, 2009

Everyone in my office knows that I have my phobias and mice/rats happen to be one of them… So my Capt. saw a mouse the other day and so it began, the next day there was a box of mouse traps on my desk so I thought I was tasked to set them out to catch Clyde (the mouse)… I set about ten mouse traps strategically around the office and after the first day i had caught Clyde and his sister… I left the rest of the traps out because I figured where there’s one there are many… After about a week we caught a third mouse and then the day came my Capt. said something stunk and so he thought it would be a great idea to make me check all the mouse traps in the office, since I had set them… I checked all the traps and couldn’t find anything so I thought really hard “Where did I put all the traps?” finally I remembered that  I had put one by the couch. I scooped up the courage and looked by the couch and there it was the most disgusting mouse ever… I screamed and began crying hysterically, after I got over the shock, I set more traps around the office in plain sight so I don’t have to check them anymore…

The man of not quite right comes to the land of not quite right

So we are deployed to Afghanistan, I am a photographer and I work in the Public Affairs office. In our office we are pretty tight-nit, we get the lovely pleasure of escorting media and people from the states. A gentleman from GA came into our office and thought he owned the world I guess. Tell me why this guy choses to tell me over lunch that he got my toenail clippers off my desk and used them (I hadn’t gotten to use them yet mind you)… who in their right mind walks over  to someones desk and takes something that isn’t theirs and uses it… it would’ve been different if it was something else like an unopened bottle of water or something, but no this nasty decides he wants to use my toenail clippers which is gross enough as is. I don’t know I guess he pulled his shoes and socks off in the middle of the office and clipped them and them the disgusting man put them back on my desk… I told him at lunch that he better take them away from my desk before I got back to the office or I would be sick… EEEWWWW who does that, that’s just dirty…